Two Sides to Every Story

Medical Kidnapping is one of the Internet, blog sphere hot topics right now.  Do an Internet search and numerous stories pop up with emotionally charged accounts about how the child or children were taken by CPS for unfair reasons such as for second opinions and alleged medical neglect.  From a purely observational standpoint, the reporting bodies of these incidents are most often parent's rights sites and news stations.

The only thing I can say is to READ WITH CAUTION.

These stories sound horrific.  They sound outrageous and incredible.  They threaten the very fabric of trust in the health care system and the evils of any child protective service.  They are emotional charged and sad beyond explanation.  CAUTION.

That is the point of writing that story.  Sometimes, the point behind that blog or site IS to en sight the public in an effort to garner support and money for their plight.  These stories ARE emotional.  They are talking about our kids, about taking our kids.  Most of us would take a hot poker to the eye and a katana to the heart for the safety and well being of our children.  To hear about the sorrowful story of a baby ripped from her mother's arms because of differing opinions on medical issues would make any person angry as a nest of agitated bees.  But we must use caution when reading these stories.  We must stay objective.  From the accounts of the commenters, the general public doesn't remain too objective.  People are being en sighted and emotionally charged.  Success on the part of the author.

In life, in reality, back here on earth, there are two sides to every story.  That's why there is a defending attorney and a prosecuting attorney.  That's why there are arguments every day in homes across America between spouses, between children, between tenant and landlord.  If there is more than one person in an argument (which I guess is necessary to make it an argument...) than there are a least two sides to that story.  TWO SIDES.  Two sides, two opinions, two sets of facts, two sets of perceptions, at least. TWO SIDES.  Even evidence has two sides.  There is evidence that is measurable and observable and there is circumstantial evidence.  There is objective information and subjective information.  And if you are trying to get support for your story, your campaign, your belief system, you are going to present YOUR side of the story.  One side.

I think that my biggest theme here is that we, as consumers of information, perpetrators of stories and payers of donations, need to remain objective.  Ask the questions that need to be asked, even if it is to only yourself.  Look for obvious subjectivity in a story, obvious violations of rational thought. Look for unlikely scenarios like a direct quote from a physician to a child when the person claiming the quote wasn't there.  Look for assaults to your emotions and triggers to outrage.  These are notes of caution and mean that the consumption of said article or story should be done with caution.  And that isn't easy to do.  It requires a sense of fairness and judiciousness that not everyone has.  It requires being able to identify in ourselves when we are being triggered.

The next time you come across a story on Facebook about the baby taken from his or her parents because the parents requested a second opinion, read it with caution, with a grain of salt and a hint of doubt.  It could very well be true and accurate and a real injustice.  It could also be fabricated or at minimum, grossly subjective to meet someone's agenda.  

I'm just saying, READ WITH CAUTION.

Quotes continued...

Well, I don't really have any other quotes to share right now.  I believe any quotes that I have in mind will be linked with f bombs and profanity most appropriate for southern hemisphere sea ports and brothels.  The quote that I conveyed to my husband was this one from Thomas Jefferson, "When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."  Tonight, I am feeling this one, all the way.   Swinging desperately, avoiding the moment that I want to scream.

I've been trying to practice this "good" parenting stuff all day!  Damn, it takes the energy right out of you!  I feel like I ran a marathon while carrying a small Norwegen family on my back, cross stitching the words to America the Beautiful in leather.  I'm exhausted!!  WTF.  In my defense, I haven't lost my cool completely AND I followed through with instructions and expectations.  Damn skippy!!  She was tired and had fallen and scrapped her hand and didn't want to fold a basket of HER laundry AND take a shower.  And never mind that she never knows when bed time is but tonight points out at 9:34, "it's after my bedtime, do you still want me to fold this laundry AND take a shower?"  Yes. You stink. And your hair is greasy!

Just like when she was a toddler, I am so excited that it is bedtime and I can have some quiet time.  I plan a long, hot tub soak with Lavender oil added to the bath to help me calm down.  I might even drink a Strawberita for good measure.

This parenting thing...I just have to remember to tie that knot in the end of the rope before I even get there. 

Helpful Quotes and Parenting....

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."  Lao Tzu

OMG!  Thirteen years ago, I had heard from other mothers and my own mother, about the amazing experience of becoming a parent, and I was ecstatic when I found out that I was going to be a mommy.  When it happened to me, the minute my baby girl entered this world, I was amazed at how deeply I loved this little person.  I can't and couldn't think of any better feeling, any better expience than being a mother.  It was everything I had hoped it would be...for the first 8 years.  Then, my sweet daughter began to develop into more than a cute little doll of my direction; she began to have opinions and urges to be more than mini me.  She was becoming her own person!  Holy crap!  They didn't mention this part!  Parenting was challenging up to this point of our relationship because parenting is a challenge, period.  But at some point in the end of the single digit, beginning of double digit years, it became gold metal, Olympic challenging.

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."  Anna Quindlen

So in the past year, I have really taken stock of my parenting techniques.  I had some heavy realizations when we started foster parenting.  And I really worked diligently to be a good parent.  Since our foster parenting experience has ended, I have come to realize that parenting my child has been lacking some things.  I mean, I've always been hard on myself when it came to being a parent.  I have always felt challenged by it (who doesn't, right!?)  I have always been scared of being a bad parent, not making the right decisions, of screwing up my kid.  I have always felt a lot of guilt for having divorced her father and taking away the advantage of a mother and father in the same household to parent her... Like I said, I have been pretty hard on myself. 

Parenting is hard and I can't seem to find the instruction manual that was supposed to come with the new baby.  (Can I borrow someone's?)  I've made mistakes.  I've yelled when I shouldn't, I've cursed when I shouldn't, I've lacked patience.  I've made threats and not followed through.  I've let her dramatic tears and "I hate you!" change my mind on punishment.  I have given in to whining.  I have made some not so great parenting choices. 

"Just because you've made mistakes doesn't mean your mistakes get to make you.  Take notice of your inner critic, forgive yourself and move on."  Robert Tewi

And I have punished myself for not being perfect, for making mistakes, for not knowing from the get go how to be a perfect parent.  What?!!?  I didn't know how to be a perfect parent from the start?!?  I'm kind of a perfectionist (and a little unrealistic).

"Don't be too hard on yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to do that for you.  Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do.  Even mistakes mean you're trying."  Susan Gale

I got a little better at letting that critic go after doing a course of life coaching with a coach, Wendy, at my work.  I miss Wendy's down to earth clarity and direction!  Anyway, she taught me that these HUGE goals of "being a good parent" are so huge and way too general.  How can you judge being "a good parent"?  And the measuring stick that we use, is probably a bit unrealistic.  What I learned from Wendy was to make attainable goals for life, not just parenting.  Stop setting myself up for failure by making these crazy ass, unrealistic, widely general goals.  "I want to be a good parent..." Duh.  Who doesn't want to be a good parent?  How about something real.  "I want to be more patient when the kiddo is being dramatic."  Ah!  Attainable goal! Check!  "I want to follow through with discipline after one warning."  See....attainable goal!

"The best way to get started is to get started.  Life rewards actions...not reaction.  Wait for nothing.  Attack life."  Dave Kekich

I learned this other really cool trick from Wendy.  I mean, I knew about this concept, but she showed me how important is was to incorporate into my life.  And, it really helps when I screw up.  For me, I say, "Every day is a new day!"  Tomorrow is a chance to try again, to start over.  Not really a new concept, just new to my dysfunctional brain.  It really helped me to learn how to stop beating myself up for making mistakes and to try, try again.  I think there's some Thomas the Train or Dora the Explorer episode out there about this. 

This was kind of key for the perfectionist in me.  And a hard concept to really put into action.  (I find it hard to forgive myself for making mistakes.)  For parenting, it has been especially helpful.  What's even more helpful is the AWESOME husband that I have.  He's very wise and helps me to make better decisions and follow through (but that's another blog entry...)!

"Every moment of your life is a chance to get it right.  Any moment you've been living in, you could turn it on like a light."  Third Eye Blind Lyrics

When I feel like I'm making not such fantastic decisions, I remind myself that the next moment is an opportunity to try again and get it right.  I can take responsibility for my mistakes and try again.  It's AMAZING what an apology can do.  When I'm not up to par, I take a breath and give myself permission to try again.  I don't punish myself (for too long).

"Change might not be fast and it isn't always easy.  But with time and effort, almost any habit can be reshaped."  Charles Duhigg

I'm trying.  That's all I can do is try.  I make mistakes and I see the error of my way and I try again.  Every moment that I am fortunate to gain clarity in my actions is an opportunity to do things better, to make better decisions, to behave better, to be a better person.

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."  Thomas Jefferson

And then there is this quote.  Because parenting is difficult, challenging and makes you want to pull out your hair.  It makes your hair turn gray, wine taste better and chocolate a hidden treat.  It's tough.  And many times, more often these days than not, your kid hates you, doesn't like your style, doesn't appreciate the rules and policies of the home.  I'm reminded that my goal is not to be her friend; my goal is to parent her.  It's in those moments that I am totally at the end of my rope.  And I guess I'm going to have to follow Mr. Jeffereson's suggestion and tie a knot in that rope and hang on.  It will be quite a ride.

Surviving Middle School

My one and only offspring has now entered the next chapter of her life, Middle School!  I've been kind of dredding this transition.  I've worked myself into a tizzy about how this is going to play out.  I'm imagining that our lives are going to turn upside down.  I'm imagining that my usually sweet, generally compliant, wildly opinionated daughter will turn into a foaming at the mouth, sourly infected zombie teen who I no longer recognize.  I guess I thought this transformation would occur the minute she walked through the doors of her new school like a virulent infection.  Tomorrow is day three of middle school and infection doesn't seem to have set in....yet.  Perhaps I'm just being impatient and hopeful.  I may wake up in a month to a rotten mouthed, chore allergic, noncompliant seventh grader.

I sound so negative!  I'm not really all that negative, generally.  But, parenting has become an interesting new challenge the older she gets.  I've learned a lot lately about the mistakes that I've made in my parenting regimen.  Some of those mistakes are haunting me, some I'm trying to overturn.  Looking back, I would have changed a few things.  Going forward, I'm changing some other things.  And, well, let's be honest, kids don't necessarily like it when parents make parenting and disciplinary changes.  Especially when those changes don't translate into getting their way more. 

Anyway, middle school has started and we're surviving so far.  Two days down, uh.... 178 to go.  Don't worry, I'm not dellusional enough to believe that this really is just the beginning of years of new challenges, not just a school year.  Let's start with one day at a time, shall we?

Garage sales

Garage sales are a true American pasttime.  Some people, like my hubs, spend excessive amounts of time watching a borderline baseball team skim by, while others spend countless hours doing "crafts" and zoo trips with their cute little kids.  Blah! Spending time with kids in appropriate learning and stimulating environments! BAh!  Not for me!

Early on, I introduced my kid to the joys and pleasures of garage sales.  Poking around peoples belongings, touching crap that is dirty and used, not knowing where it's been.  Looking at old, unpopular, water stained prints in frames, piles of stuffed animals, mismatched dishes.  Spending so much time, hunkered over boxes of endless books about home management, Algebra text from 1986, and books on discovering peace and religion. 

It's kind of the bonding time for me and my mom.  She loves garage sales.  And boy, does she believe that she is the garage sale expert to beat all experts.  (And who aspires to be an expert in garage sales?)  Time and time again, we've driven by a sale, stopped and perused the wares.  And time and time again, we get back in the car and my mom will comment, "Boy they sure priced their stuff high?  They need me to show them how to price their stuff to get rid of it!"  Sometimes she's just point blank, "They had a bunch of crap out there!" 

She has producing a garage sale down to a fine art and believes in presentation and layout for efficent and cost effective sales.  It's an Olympic event getting ready for a garage sale with her!  We're always up until 2 or 3 in the morning getting set up and laying things out.  One of her many pet peeves:  take things of the boxes and spread them out on tables.  Another pet peeve:  take clothes out of the plastic bins and stop making me bend over a box and dig.  She says, "I won't do it! I just won't stand over a box and dig through clothes or anything else!"  "They should put those books on a table that is waist high so people can look at them. I bet they'd sell more that way.  I know I'd look at them. I'm not going to bend over a box of books.  I just can't!" 

Certainly, reasonable observations.  I told you she is an expert.  Another of her pet peeves: endless piles of clothes.  She won't stop at a garage sale that has a lot of clothes.  Maybe she's a snob like that or maybe she's got the right idea.  Who wants to buy clothes that another person has worn?  Have you seen the clothes people put out?  You CAN throw some things away, you know.  Those faded Levi's with holes in the knees....really, you want $2.00 for them?  That shirt has a stain on the chest?  If you won't wear that, why would anyone else?  Pitch it!  Use it as a cleaning rag!    My biggest pet peeve at garage sales:  underware!  Yep, bras and underware thoroughly gross  me out!  WTF!  Who is going to buy used underware, even if it is clean!  Hell NO!  And used bras?  I just threw up a little in my mouth!  (Interestingly, my mom has had grand success at selling bras and underware at her garage sales.  Puke!)

I really love those sales with the FREE boxes.  My kid loves those too.  She doesn't have to beg me for a quarter and it is usually a McDonald's Happy Meal toy or a broken piece of jewelry.  I'm a digger.  I like to pilfer through boxes looking for a little nugget of interest.  I'm the kind of person who likes going through the junk drawer!  You just never know what you are going to find!  I think the FREE box also attracts people.  It keeps the noisy kids busy while you peruse the wares.  I'm a fan.  On the other hand, I despise people who sell items that they got for free!  We visited this garage sale once, of a former flight attendant.  She had a huge plastic container of hotel shampoos, conditioners and lotions.  Makes sense, she's a flight attendant.  But she was selling these little treasures for, like, 2 for a dollar.  A bit steep considering they were free from the hotel and she didn't even pay for the hotel stay in the first place!  WTF!  We all know that the quality of the shampoo and lotions are not high end.  They're packaged to appear to be top quality, upscale.  One dollup of lotion water tells you otherwise!  And what sucker falls for that shit?  Me! I bought like six bottles of the little gems.  Loser.

All of this garage sale talk stems from my bright inclination to have a garage sale.  I looked at the growing pile of cast away clothes of my daughters and surmised that I could make a few bucks instead of just taking them to good will like I usually do.  Brilliant.  I went about folding and sorting and strengthened my resolve to have a garage sale.  But I promised myself that I would have a cheap sale, get rid of this shit and not be so arrogant in pricing the stuff. A quarter a piece.  Better yet, put as much as you can in a plastic bag for $5.00.  That'll get rid of this stuff and make me a little change.  I haven't told my hubs about my plans yet.  He'll freak.  One: it'll have to be on a weekend that we normally go to lake.  I work the opposite weekend.  Two: it means he'll have to carry shit up from the basement.  Three:  why can't we just take it to good will or put it on the curb. Someone will pick it up.   He's right, people will pick up anything from the curb.  That's another blog entry.

Well, I've enlisted the neighbor in this garage sale adventure.  I'll make more solid plans and THEN break it to the hubs.  He'll get over it.  Wish me luck and I'll let you know when the sale is.  Maybe you can stop by.

Back to blogging....

So, I just finished reading this book written by a blogger named Jen. How appropriate.  Anyway, her blog (which I haven't read yet) is PeopleIWantToPunchInTheFace.com.  Her book was about her experience with Christmas.  I really liked it and got through it pretty quickly, an easy read.  She's witty and snarky and says it like it is.  I aspire to be like that.  My husband thinks I say things like they are, right out, straight from my brain.  What he really doesn't get is that I am saying on a small portion of what I really think.  And, my stupid sense of justice and fairness keeps me from saying things that might hurt other people's feelings.  And, I happen to be one of those people who WILL get into trouble for saying what I think.  I am just lucky that way.  Not to mention, I care what people think, which is a big barrier to saying whatever you think and feel.  So, it's not one of my strong points.  I'm trying to work on my bitchy, I don't give a shit attitude so that I can write funnier shit.  It's a work in progress.  If you ask my ex, he'll tell you that I have this bitch stuff down.  If you ask me, I haven't nearly shared my true feelings with him or with most people.  The irony of preception.

I wanna be a writer...

So, I'm bored out of my ever loving mind tonight at work.  This is the third night of sheer boredom and I have looked at nearly everything I can think of on the internet; that's work appropriate, that is.  I've been through Pinterest about 56 times and I'm over Facebook.  Tonight, I came across a freaking hilarious blog.  Some funny stuff.  And as I read that blog, I realize two of my biggest goals in life.  Two goals that I haven't achieved (....not sure I ever will.)

Goal one.  Be a writer.  I mean, I kind of already am a writer.  In my own mind.  I've been keeping a journal since I was a teenager.  (I wish I still had some of those journals!  They would have been a hoot to read!)  I started doing a little blogging, erratically, that is.  I actually have two blogs.  This one, a more general themed blog and one titled Life is a Journey Every Day.  That one is more focused on my weight challenges and my sleeve gastrectomy journey.  I digress.  Anyway, I blog on occasion but not very consistently.  I kind of get defeated when I don't reach Goal two with my blog.

Goal two....I want to be a funny writer.  You know, someone who writes these witty, interesting blogs that get people coming back to and chuckling when they read.  Sometimes, I write something funny.  But it's really not my strong suit, even if I really WANT to be funny.  I try so hard (probably part of the problem.)  I'm just not genetically engineered to be as humorous as I would like. *sigh*

So, here I am working on the ever present goals of life.... writing funny things... fail.