Right Speech

So, my daughter is participating in Girls On The Run this year.  It's really pretty cool.  She's becoming more engaged in physical activity.  She's learning some great life lessons both through the planned curriculum as well as life experience.  It's just a pretty great concept.  We got an email from the coach early this week that their latest lesson is about gossip.  I know that's a hot topic for those little girls, ages 10 to 13, especially in GOTR.  My daughter is forever coming home to tell me little tid bits about this girl or that kid who got into trouble...  I really don't care to hear about that stuff and I'm trying to remind her that it's not polite to talk about others like that.  I'm trying to teach my 11 year old daughter a powerful life lesson about treating others how you wish to be treated, about not talking about others behind their backs, about not passing on stories and gossip about another person, especially if you weren't there, about just being kind.

And the sad part of this whole topic is that I unfortunately know grown adult people who still haven't learned about the evils of gossip.  Adults.  Grown folk.

Now, I'm gonna be the responsible person that I am and acknowledge that I am not perfect and I have participated in gossiping.  I have listened to the stories, sometimes with enjoyment, chuckling with others.  I have passed gossip on, not intending to be mean or defame another's character, not realizing the hurt I am inflicting.  But I have also been that person who has commented, "gosh, if that's how you talk about so and so, I'd hate to hear what you say about me!" or "Now, they aren't here to defend themselves..."  Most recently, I am trying to steer clear of gossip.  I am working hard to practice the Eight Fold Path and use "right speech".  Let me remind you, I am a work in progress!

Really, I'm so sensitive about this topic of gossip and talking behind one's back because it is happening to me, regularly and redundantly, and I'm getting really frustrated by it.  Actually, I'm pissed and I'm hurt and I'm sad and I'm angry.  Did I mention angry?  What the fuck?

I am not perfect.  I make mistakes like everyone, EVERYONE!  I sometimes say things that aren't well thought out.  I sometimes do things that aren't well thought out.  But, I am not mean or evil or a bitch.  I take very seriously my role as a caring individual and I am oober sensitive to the feelings of others, to a fault.  If I've hurt someone else and I know that I have, you can guarantee that I am feeling pretty bad about it, beating myself up, judging myself for my error.  If I can do something to fix it, I will try.  If I can talk to that person and try to make amends, I try.  If I need to take responsibility for something, I try.  And believe me, I have learned my lesson about confronting people.  I have learned that I'm not great at it but I should try to be responsible and upfront, fair and honest but ultimately, mindful of what I say and how I say it.  AND, I have also learned that if I can't say it to that person, then I don't say it to anyone else (except my husband, who couldn't give two farts).

My intentions aren't evil and filled with malice.  And the truth is, the people who spread gossip or say negative things about me won't be among the people who would read this blog.  But, I guess I just had to get it off my chest.  Because gossip hurts.  Do you hear me?!  GOSSIP, TELLING LIES, SPREADING RUMORS, STARTING SHIT, MISINTERPRETING SOMETHING SOMEONE HAS SAID.... I could go on and on... HURTS!  It hurts like hell.  If you think about it, gossiping is a form of bullying.  And I wish, WISH I didn't give a shit about what people think of me.  I wish I could turn around and walk away with my heart intact.  But I'm not and I can't.  And I'm not really giving anything away about myself.  If you read this and know me, you know this already.  If you think you have gained some powerful weapon against me, good for you.  It's not really a national secret.  I cry at the drop of a hat!!  People have counseled me to not let these things bother me, grow some thicker skin.  I'm sorry but that's not how I'm made up.  I'm a sensitive gal and things like gossip hurt me, gossip hurts everyone in some way.  And it's wrong. And unfair. And it's bullying. Period.

So, the only thing I can do is to remind anyone who will listen, that gossip hurts.  I can only teach my daughter to stop gossiping and be kind.  I can only stop participating, stop the gossip trail at me.  Please, please stop the gossip when it gets to you.  Don't continue the gossip, the rumors, the negative talk, don't encourage it, don't be one of those bully's.  It is hurting someone.  It could be hurting someone you love and respect.  It could end up hurting you.  Say no to gossip, say no to bullying!

Old, Flat Bicycle Tire

I haven’t done many blogs lately.  I guess I’m kind of a blog couch potato or a blog avoider.  I think about writing something and get excited about the prospect.  But then I get busy or distracted or lazy…  So here I am, trying it again.  Reminding myself that it’s not a product of perfection, it’s just some fun and words and my opinions and thoughts.  It ain’t gotta be nuttin’ special. 

So, I’m struggling lately with a bit of apathy.  I guess that’s the right term.  It looks like unhappiness to my husband and he’s all, “Are you okay? Are you mad at me?”  “No, dear, it’s not about you,” I tell him.  So what is it, I ask myself.  It feels a little like depression but I’m not sad and hopeless feeling.  I just feel flat.  I feel like an old bike tire; I look okay on the top, but when you scan to the ground, you see flatness.  That’s me, an old, flat bike tire.

I’ve tried to figure out what has brought me to this flat place.  There IS a lot going on in my life right now.  We’re working on some things so you’d think I would be excited and pumped up thinking about the approaching changes or additions.  I poke the future with a stick… nope, still flat. 

Maybe I’m overwhelmed with all that I have going on.  There are always pieces that are lying around that need fixed, completed and tied up.  I need to meet with my PTA committee to tie up our activity from earlier this winter.  I need to return those Chat N Chew books back to my daughter’s school library and check out some more or just email the coordinator and tell her that I’m done for the year.  I need to clean out my damn stinky car and wash off all the yellow dusty pollen.  I need to get my eyes checked and do about 16 loads of laundry.  I need to… eh… what the heck, it’ll be there tomorrow.  Did I mention that procrastination is a side effect of apathy?

I don’t really feel overwhelmed; usually that leads me to be anxious and irritable.  I just feel flat.  I’m not feeling my bubbly self.  I’m not excited, I’m not nervous; I’m not anxious or overwhelmed.  Like I said, old, flat bike tire. 

Then I start to think that there’s something pathologic about being a flat bike tire.  In the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger, “It’s not a tumor!”  Is there something wrong with me.  Nah, it’s just a phase.  I don’t have an impending mental illness or slow growing tumor pressing on the happy part of my brain. 

I’m experiencing normal feelings (or lack of) and it will pass like everything else.  The world won’t stop spinning, the laundry will stay in their piles until I get to them.   Right now, I just don’t care about much.  In a week, I’ll care more and then in three weeks I’ll be back on the hamster wheel trying to catch up, running in the rat race.  Those feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed will come back; I’ll feel more excited about our future.  I’ll worry about all the things I need to do, TODAY.  Until then, I guess I should just enjoy being a little apathetic.  I think I’ll just appreciate the old, flat bike tire another day.