Don't get me wrong. I like trying to be funny, writing or saying or acting in a way that makes others laugh or even smile. But, not every day for me is fun or funny or even happy. Some days, I just feel low, grumpy, down, sad, poopy, crummy, crappy.....you get the picture. I've had a few of those kinds of days lately.
When I was about thirteen or fourteen years old, adolescent hormones hit with a vengence. I was ultra moody, ultra sad, ultra grumpy on top of being an already ultra sensitive child. I remember clearly my mom taking me to my first ob/gyn exam and to discuss my "persistent premenstrual syndrome" (better known as teen angst.) Apparently, it was more than she could handle. She was doing what she thought would help and in the end, I suffered through this weird treatment including magnesium suppliments and progesterone suppositories for hormone replacement! If you know anything about magnesium suppliments, they cause a little intestinal distress; add in an oily suppository and the result is not pretty. (Pan to memory of me running up the block from the bus stop to get home before I shart myself!) Ah, modern medicine. So, the treatment was less than successful and I continued to be an even unhappier teen. Imagine that!?!
But, this teen unhappiness persisted and it became a deeper sadness, sometimes even hopelessness. No one seemed to understand or appreciate how I felt and I was regularly deemed overly sensitive. Of course, there was the usual dysfunctional issues in all aspects of my life; my parents were divorced, I desperately wanted a relationship with my dad but was jealous of his new family, body image issues, boyfriends... I could go on and on. I just couldn't shake the sadness and the down in the dumps kind of mood. My mom would say, "Just be happy, you have nothing to be depressed about." Ummm, okay....not.
And this sadness persisted. It wasn't every day, it wasn't every week, but it was there, more often then not, hanging out, pestering me. Of course, when I made stupid decisions, the sadness would rear its ugly head. Then, after graduating high school, my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly, first semester of college, weeks before Thanksgiving. Tell you what doesn't help a propencity for depression - your father's untimely death. Add in a troubled relationship with your mom, not really having a home any longer, guilt of "living in sin" with your boyfriend, familial expectations and you have a pretty rough end of the teen years, beginning of the twenties. THEN I started nursing school. (I hear a collective groan from nursing school alum.) Let's just say that I had a few rough years.
I remember my depression and sadness culminating into a single moment a month or so before graduating from college and nursing school. I very distinctly remember driving north on 169 highway in North Kansas City approaching my exit onto 9 highway. You know how some exits off elevated highways have a pretty steep embankment between the highway and the exit ramp? At that moment, I clearly remember making an honest decision to NOT drive my car off the embankment. My sadness and hopelessness was such that I was now at the point in my life that I was having to make the decision to not die. That was a profound moment for me.
So here I am today, having probably spent at least a year's salary on therapy over the last 15 years; I'm not depression free, by any means, but certainly a lot wiser and a lot more happy with my life and the decisions that I am making. It has helped that I have eliminated the drama and roller coasters from my life, living responsibly and choosing better relationships. Most importantly, it is because of ME, my decisions and the WORK that I've done that contributes to the improvement of depression from my life.
Do I think my depression is gone forever? Have I beat it completely? Is it a burden I will have for my lifetime? Questions I can't answer right now. I don't think that I will ever "beat" depression as long as I have the free will to make poor decisions, feel as deeply as I do and have the "ultra" sensitivity that I have. I can only hope that as I learn to embrace the person I am, loving me for me, I will have a leg up against this crappy disease of depression.
When I was about thirteen or fourteen years old, adolescent hormones hit with a vengence. I was ultra moody, ultra sad, ultra grumpy on top of being an already ultra sensitive child. I remember clearly my mom taking me to my first ob/gyn exam and to discuss my "persistent premenstrual syndrome" (better known as teen angst.) Apparently, it was more than she could handle. She was doing what she thought would help and in the end, I suffered through this weird treatment including magnesium suppliments and progesterone suppositories for hormone replacement! If you know anything about magnesium suppliments, they cause a little intestinal distress; add in an oily suppository and the result is not pretty. (Pan to memory of me running up the block from the bus stop to get home before I shart myself!) Ah, modern medicine. So, the treatment was less than successful and I continued to be an even unhappier teen. Imagine that!?!
But, this teen unhappiness persisted and it became a deeper sadness, sometimes even hopelessness. No one seemed to understand or appreciate how I felt and I was regularly deemed overly sensitive. Of course, there was the usual dysfunctional issues in all aspects of my life; my parents were divorced, I desperately wanted a relationship with my dad but was jealous of his new family, body image issues, boyfriends... I could go on and on. I just couldn't shake the sadness and the down in the dumps kind of mood. My mom would say, "Just be happy, you have nothing to be depressed about." Ummm, okay....not.
And this sadness persisted. It wasn't every day, it wasn't every week, but it was there, more often then not, hanging out, pestering me. Of course, when I made stupid decisions, the sadness would rear its ugly head. Then, after graduating high school, my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly, first semester of college, weeks before Thanksgiving. Tell you what doesn't help a propencity for depression - your father's untimely death. Add in a troubled relationship with your mom, not really having a home any longer, guilt of "living in sin" with your boyfriend, familial expectations and you have a pretty rough end of the teen years, beginning of the twenties. THEN I started nursing school. (I hear a collective groan from nursing school alum.) Let's just say that I had a few rough years.
I remember my depression and sadness culminating into a single moment a month or so before graduating from college and nursing school. I very distinctly remember driving north on 169 highway in North Kansas City approaching my exit onto 9 highway. You know how some exits off elevated highways have a pretty steep embankment between the highway and the exit ramp? At that moment, I clearly remember making an honest decision to NOT drive my car off the embankment. My sadness and hopelessness was such that I was now at the point in my life that I was having to make the decision to not die. That was a profound moment for me.
So here I am today, having probably spent at least a year's salary on therapy over the last 15 years; I'm not depression free, by any means, but certainly a lot wiser and a lot more happy with my life and the decisions that I am making. It has helped that I have eliminated the drama and roller coasters from my life, living responsibly and choosing better relationships. Most importantly, it is because of ME, my decisions and the WORK that I've done that contributes to the improvement of depression from my life.
Do I think my depression is gone forever? Have I beat it completely? Is it a burden I will have for my lifetime? Questions I can't answer right now. I don't think that I will ever "beat" depression as long as I have the free will to make poor decisions, feel as deeply as I do and have the "ultra" sensitivity that I have. I can only hope that as I learn to embrace the person I am, loving me for me, I will have a leg up against this crappy disease of depression.
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