Burnin' the Candle at Both Ends...

A funny little phrase came to mind tonight (at 1:09 am as I sit in front of the computer writing this blog with a to do list one mile long, exactly.  I measured.)  I digress... "Burning the candle at both ends."  Then a couple of others came to mind: "my plate is full", "burning the midnight oil" and "rat race".  Like so many other people, I'm so busy with so many things that I need to accomplish.  I feel like I am the epitome of the rat race and full plate and burning the candle at both ends.  And being the infinite nerd that I am, I had to look those idioms up and explore their meanings and how they apply to me.  I'm thinking, those were different times when these phrase came to be coined.  And certainly, their meaning was far different than it would be now.  And by all means, the people of those times wouldn't have a clue about the pressures that time constraints have on human beings now.  Reeaallllly......

I like that their origins, at least the bilateral candle burning and the midnight oil reference come from earlier days of yore.  It's interesting for me to think that there was enough going on in those days that one needed to be up past dark burning the midnight oil .... doing what exactly?  I'm sure after working in the fields all day or keeping up with the multitude of daily chores in those days of yore, a little quiet time away from the 14 screaming kids was appreciated.  But what exactly did they find so necessary to accomplish so late (or early for those non night folks) that they couldn't get done during the light of day?  I couldn't really wrap my mind around it.  Recently, during a storm, a transformer in our backyard burned out and left us without power at around 10:00pm.  We were completely bored even with the candles burning and the flashlights.  My phone was nearly out of battery and the tablet was dead and I honestly didn't know what to do with myself.   We watched the transformer burn for awhile then went to bed.  I can't imagine I would want to accomplish anything by candle light....

Now, I'm not saying that families in the 1830's weren't busy and that burning the midnight oil wasn't necessary.  I'm certain there was a lot to do during the day. I can't imagine having to plan my families food consumption starting in early spring to make it through the winter.  To know and plan for canning food in huge quantities, to store away potatoes and preserved meat, enough to sustain a winter!  That makes me sweat just thinking about it.  Then there was making of the clothes and hand washing of the clothes in the wash bin and hanging of the clothes out to dry....  How about breakfast at dawn before the menfolk went out to the fields.  And not just a cup of yogurt and a slice of toast breakfast.  We're talking homemade biscuits, fresh eggs from the chicken coop, ham and grits, churned butter and fresh milk from Bossy out back.  The kind of breakfast that makes my arteries clog even with Crestor and Zetia on board.  Boy, and after breakfast, there wasn't any putting those breakfast dishes in the dishwasher... it was bringing in the water from the pump house, rain or shine, snow and wind.  Bringing it to boil on the stove.... about the time dishes were done, I'll bet it was freaking time to start lunch!  Then, there was the garden to tend to, gotta have food to eat....  Cows to milk, eggs to collect, animals to feed....  And then when the crops were ready, they had to be harvested and stored, canned and cut.... Sent to town to be sold or traded.  And somewhere in there, there had to be schooling for the children, at least some schooling, for a few...... and babies continued to get made, even after all that hard work...... HOLY CRAP!  There was a lot to get done in a day back then!!

Okay, so I am completely worn out from even considering what a family of yore had to accomplish in a day's time and perhaps, if they weren't completely exhausted, walking dead, they would use the less useful night time to accomplish other things like reading or writing letters or mending socks and making quilts by candle light or the midnight oil.  So, it's a bit naive to think that the time frame that those idioms originate aren't nearly as busy and stressful as our time.  As a matter of fact, it's just plain egotistical to think that.

The truth is, the rat race and the mile long To Do List has been a part of the human condition for hundreds of years.  Times have certainly changed.  Unemployment is up, people struggle every day to make ends meet.  We are living uncertain times not sure if there will be enough money to cover the cost of health insurance or the rising cost of gas.  We're faced with shrinking education budgets for our children....  we're running our kids to activities every day, softball practice, gymnastics, working a full time job.... we're burning the midnight oil writing stupid blogs and getting caught up on Rachel Maddow.  We're reading the Hunger Games Series and watching DVR'd runs of House and Grey's Anatomy because there "just aren't enough hours in the day."

And we complain.  We complain about all that we have to get done and so little time we have to get it done. I feel a bit selfish and egotistical after thinking more deeply about the time frame that the origins of those phrases come from.  I think it is an eye opening minute to think about the kind of rat race we run these days compared to rat race that humans have ran.

I think I'll appreciate Target and Price Chopper a little more and my electric washer and dryer along with the  dish washer.  I will stop and remember that the 45 minutes in my day to run by the store to pick up some socks and summer clothes for my kiddo is far better than sewing those clothes and cleaning them in a wash basin full of luke warm water I've carried in by hand.  I'll appreciate that the calendar is full of meetings and appointments and the kiddo's activities but that I don't have to work my fingers to the bone just to make sure my family has food and stress out that the crops and garden succeed this season.

Right Speech

So, my daughter is participating in Girls On The Run this year.  It's really pretty cool.  She's becoming more engaged in physical activity.  She's learning some great life lessons both through the planned curriculum as well as life experience.  It's just a pretty great concept.  We got an email from the coach early this week that their latest lesson is about gossip.  I know that's a hot topic for those little girls, ages 10 to 13, especially in GOTR.  My daughter is forever coming home to tell me little tid bits about this girl or that kid who got into trouble...  I really don't care to hear about that stuff and I'm trying to remind her that it's not polite to talk about others like that.  I'm trying to teach my 11 year old daughter a powerful life lesson about treating others how you wish to be treated, about not talking about others behind their backs, about not passing on stories and gossip about another person, especially if you weren't there, about just being kind.

And the sad part of this whole topic is that I unfortunately know grown adult people who still haven't learned about the evils of gossip.  Adults.  Grown folk.

Now, I'm gonna be the responsible person that I am and acknowledge that I am not perfect and I have participated in gossiping.  I have listened to the stories, sometimes with enjoyment, chuckling with others.  I have passed gossip on, not intending to be mean or defame another's character, not realizing the hurt I am inflicting.  But I have also been that person who has commented, "gosh, if that's how you talk about so and so, I'd hate to hear what you say about me!" or "Now, they aren't here to defend themselves..."  Most recently, I am trying to steer clear of gossip.  I am working hard to practice the Eight Fold Path and use "right speech".  Let me remind you, I am a work in progress!

Really, I'm so sensitive about this topic of gossip and talking behind one's back because it is happening to me, regularly and redundantly, and I'm getting really frustrated by it.  Actually, I'm pissed and I'm hurt and I'm sad and I'm angry.  Did I mention angry?  What the fuck?

I am not perfect.  I make mistakes like everyone, EVERYONE!  I sometimes say things that aren't well thought out.  I sometimes do things that aren't well thought out.  But, I am not mean or evil or a bitch.  I take very seriously my role as a caring individual and I am oober sensitive to the feelings of others, to a fault.  If I've hurt someone else and I know that I have, you can guarantee that I am feeling pretty bad about it, beating myself up, judging myself for my error.  If I can do something to fix it, I will try.  If I can talk to that person and try to make amends, I try.  If I need to take responsibility for something, I try.  And believe me, I have learned my lesson about confronting people.  I have learned that I'm not great at it but I should try to be responsible and upfront, fair and honest but ultimately, mindful of what I say and how I say it.  AND, I have also learned that if I can't say it to that person, then I don't say it to anyone else (except my husband, who couldn't give two farts).

My intentions aren't evil and filled with malice.  And the truth is, the people who spread gossip or say negative things about me won't be among the people who would read this blog.  But, I guess I just had to get it off my chest.  Because gossip hurts.  Do you hear me?!  GOSSIP, TELLING LIES, SPREADING RUMORS, STARTING SHIT, MISINTERPRETING SOMETHING SOMEONE HAS SAID.... I could go on and on... HURTS!  It hurts like hell.  If you think about it, gossiping is a form of bullying.  And I wish, WISH I didn't give a shit about what people think of me.  I wish I could turn around and walk away with my heart intact.  But I'm not and I can't.  And I'm not really giving anything away about myself.  If you read this and know me, you know this already.  If you think you have gained some powerful weapon against me, good for you.  It's not really a national secret.  I cry at the drop of a hat!!  People have counseled me to not let these things bother me, grow some thicker skin.  I'm sorry but that's not how I'm made up.  I'm a sensitive gal and things like gossip hurt me, gossip hurts everyone in some way.  And it's wrong. And unfair. And it's bullying. Period.

So, the only thing I can do is to remind anyone who will listen, that gossip hurts.  I can only teach my daughter to stop gossiping and be kind.  I can only stop participating, stop the gossip trail at me.  Please, please stop the gossip when it gets to you.  Don't continue the gossip, the rumors, the negative talk, don't encourage it, don't be one of those bully's.  It is hurting someone.  It could be hurting someone you love and respect.  It could end up hurting you.  Say no to gossip, say no to bullying!

Old, Flat Bicycle Tire

I haven’t done many blogs lately.  I guess I’m kind of a blog couch potato or a blog avoider.  I think about writing something and get excited about the prospect.  But then I get busy or distracted or lazy…  So here I am, trying it again.  Reminding myself that it’s not a product of perfection, it’s just some fun and words and my opinions and thoughts.  It ain’t gotta be nuttin’ special. 

So, I’m struggling lately with a bit of apathy.  I guess that’s the right term.  It looks like unhappiness to my husband and he’s all, “Are you okay? Are you mad at me?”  “No, dear, it’s not about you,” I tell him.  So what is it, I ask myself.  It feels a little like depression but I’m not sad and hopeless feeling.  I just feel flat.  I feel like an old bike tire; I look okay on the top, but when you scan to the ground, you see flatness.  That’s me, an old, flat bike tire.

I’ve tried to figure out what has brought me to this flat place.  There IS a lot going on in my life right now.  We’re working on some things so you’d think I would be excited and pumped up thinking about the approaching changes or additions.  I poke the future with a stick… nope, still flat. 

Maybe I’m overwhelmed with all that I have going on.  There are always pieces that are lying around that need fixed, completed and tied up.  I need to meet with my PTA committee to tie up our activity from earlier this winter.  I need to return those Chat N Chew books back to my daughter’s school library and check out some more or just email the coordinator and tell her that I’m done for the year.  I need to clean out my damn stinky car and wash off all the yellow dusty pollen.  I need to get my eyes checked and do about 16 loads of laundry.  I need to… eh… what the heck, it’ll be there tomorrow.  Did I mention that procrastination is a side effect of apathy?

I don’t really feel overwhelmed; usually that leads me to be anxious and irritable.  I just feel flat.  I’m not feeling my bubbly self.  I’m not excited, I’m not nervous; I’m not anxious or overwhelmed.  Like I said, old, flat bike tire. 

Then I start to think that there’s something pathologic about being a flat bike tire.  In the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger, “It’s not a tumor!”  Is there something wrong with me.  Nah, it’s just a phase.  I don’t have an impending mental illness or slow growing tumor pressing on the happy part of my brain. 

I’m experiencing normal feelings (or lack of) and it will pass like everything else.  The world won’t stop spinning, the laundry will stay in their piles until I get to them.   Right now, I just don’t care about much.  In a week, I’ll care more and then in three weeks I’ll be back on the hamster wheel trying to catch up, running in the rat race.  Those feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed will come back; I’ll feel more excited about our future.  I’ll worry about all the things I need to do, TODAY.  Until then, I guess I should just enjoy being a little apathetic.  I think I’ll just appreciate the old, flat bike tire another day.

Healthy Lifestyle (not dieting) UpS and dOwNs

So, I'm on the verge of this very enlightning event...I am coming to some sort of realization that my current weight (which shall remain un named) is not congruent with my life plans.  Duh.  Seems like a no brainer, right?  Only skinny people say that.  If you carry around extra weight, maybe struggled with this all of your life, you know what I'm talking about.  It isn't a no brainer. 

I've struggled with being over weight most of my life.  I guess according to the charts, I've dealt with this all of my life; in my opinion, those charts can be a little unrealistic.  I digress.  It's safe to say that I have had a weight problem for awhile.  My weight has been up and down, left and right, front and back.  Since I gave birth to my daughter almost 11 years ago, the weight has redistributed to different places.  Pregnancy hormones do that I guess.  Anyway.  I have dieted only a few times in my life and I have lost significant weight only a few times in my life (and the two weren't necessarily at the same time.)  I remember one time period, I was a teenager and my mom and I contracted some nasty food poisoning that we both suffered from for an entire summer.  I ended up losing weight back then because I was nauseated all the time.  The other time period was one of intense stress and poor life choices that bolstered dopamine brain chemistry to supress my appetite to nothingness and I lost a significant amount of weight.  And being of sound mind, I decided to pursue the wonder mix of Phen/phen at the end of that time period.  Result: getting close to my ideal body weight per charts - rocking the ideal body weight per my opinion.  And it's been downhill since.

There's a lot in between that weight loss and now and I won't bore you with the specifics, but the gist is, I have struggled with body image, low self esteem and poor self preservation which has led to continued accumulation of weight.  For those who know me, I'm not the 1/2 ton mom that is on tv.  I can get out of my house without a wench and 12x12 hole in the wall.  I function in daily life, have a job, do stuff with my kiddo.  I don't require the powered carts at Walmart and I can get up off the floor on my own.  I do require medications to keep my blood sugar in check and I take statins for high cholesterol (more likely a familial problem than a weight problem by looking at my family history).  But, I don't feel good about myself.  I don't feel sexy, I don't feel healthy, I don't feel loveable at times. 

So this realization that I am on the brink of is telling me that being a healthy weight isn't about how I look, about how others see me, about pleasing society.  It's about finding that I am worthy of a healthy body.  I am worth the effort of taking the steps every day to create a safe and healthy place for me to reside.  I deserve this, my daughter deserves my committment, my husband deserves the committment.  It's not about looking good on the outside; it's about feeling good on the inside.  Feeling good physically, feeling good emotionally. 

Today, I'm struggling with feeling good on the inside part.  I am a little down in the dumps and I want to throw my hands up in the air and say, "Fuck it".  I want to ignore the Weight Watchers points, I want to binge on Reese's Puff Cereal and drink 2 bottles of Dr. Pepper.  I want to satiate some weird need to be self destructive by eating poorly.  I want to be there, NOW.  I want to reach my goals and feel better about myself and be healthier, NOW.  I don't want to struggle any longer, NOW.   I'm not the best at focusing on long term goals, people.  I suck at it.  Just ask my husband. 

Alas, getting there NOW is not possible; I must stay focused and forgive myself for the 9 points worth of Reese's cereal I ate before I wrote this blog.  Tomorrow is a new day, a renewed start on the goal of finding a healthier body in here.  I don't have to be perfect, I just have to do my best and keep trying.  I just have to remember that I want to live a long and healthy life, be the woman I know I can be.  It's not a no brainer.  It's a struggle.  We all struggle with something.