So, I'm on the verge of this very enlightning event...I am coming to some sort of realization that my current weight (which shall remain un named) is not congruent with my life plans. Duh. Seems like a no brainer, right? Only skinny people say that. If you carry around extra weight, maybe struggled with this all of your life, you know what I'm talking about. It isn't a no brainer.
I've struggled with being over weight most of my life. I guess according to the charts, I've dealt with this all of my life; in my opinion, those charts can be a little unrealistic. I digress. It's safe to say that I have had a weight problem for awhile. My weight has been up and down, left and right, front and back. Since I gave birth to my daughter almost 11 years ago, the weight has redistributed to different places. Pregnancy hormones do that I guess. Anyway. I have dieted only a few times in my life and I have lost significant weight only a few times in my life (and the two weren't necessarily at the same time.) I remember one time period, I was a teenager and my mom and I contracted some nasty food poisoning that we both suffered from for an entire summer. I ended up losing weight back then because I was nauseated all the time. The other time period was one of intense stress and poor life choices that bolstered dopamine brain chemistry to supress my appetite to nothingness and I lost a significant amount of weight. And being of sound mind, I decided to pursue the wonder mix of Phen/phen at the end of that time period. Result: getting close to my ideal body weight per charts - rocking the ideal body weight per my opinion. And it's been downhill since.
There's a lot in between that weight loss and now and I won't bore you with the specifics, but the gist is, I have struggled with body image, low self esteem and poor self preservation which has led to continued accumulation of weight. For those who know me, I'm not the 1/2 ton mom that is on tv. I can get out of my house without a wench and 12x12 hole in the wall. I function in daily life, have a job, do stuff with my kiddo. I don't require the powered carts at Walmart and I can get up off the floor on my own. I do require medications to keep my blood sugar in check and I take statins for high cholesterol (more likely a familial problem than a weight problem by looking at my family history). But, I don't feel good about myself. I don't feel sexy, I don't feel healthy, I don't feel loveable at times.
So this realization that I am on the brink of is telling me that being a healthy weight isn't about how I look, about how others see me, about pleasing society. It's about finding that I am worthy of a healthy body. I am worth the effort of taking the steps every day to create a safe and healthy place for me to reside. I deserve this, my daughter deserves my committment, my husband deserves the committment. It's not about looking good on the outside; it's about feeling good on the inside. Feeling good physically, feeling good emotionally.
Today, I'm struggling with feeling good on the inside part. I am a little down in the dumps and I want to throw my hands up in the air and say, "Fuck it". I want to ignore the Weight Watchers points, I want to binge on Reese's Puff Cereal and drink 2 bottles of Dr. Pepper. I want to satiate some weird need to be self destructive by eating poorly. I want to be there, NOW. I want to reach my goals and feel better about myself and be healthier, NOW. I don't want to struggle any longer, NOW. I'm not the best at focusing on long term goals, people. I suck at it. Just ask my husband.
Alas, getting there NOW is not possible; I must stay focused and forgive myself for the 9 points worth of Reese's cereal I ate before I wrote this blog. Tomorrow is a new day, a renewed start on the goal of finding a healthier body in here. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to do my best and keep trying. I just have to remember that I want to live a long and healthy life, be the woman I know I can be. It's not a no brainer. It's a struggle. We all struggle with something.
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