Quotes continued...

Well, I don't really have any other quotes to share right now.  I believe any quotes that I have in mind will be linked with f bombs and profanity most appropriate for southern hemisphere sea ports and brothels.  The quote that I conveyed to my husband was this one from Thomas Jefferson, "When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."  Tonight, I am feeling this one, all the way.   Swinging desperately, avoiding the moment that I want to scream.

I've been trying to practice this "good" parenting stuff all day!  Damn, it takes the energy right out of you!  I feel like I ran a marathon while carrying a small Norwegen family on my back, cross stitching the words to America the Beautiful in leather.  I'm exhausted!!  WTF.  In my defense, I haven't lost my cool completely AND I followed through with instructions and expectations.  Damn skippy!!  She was tired and had fallen and scrapped her hand and didn't want to fold a basket of HER laundry AND take a shower.  And never mind that she never knows when bed time is but tonight points out at 9:34, "it's after my bedtime, do you still want me to fold this laundry AND take a shower?"  Yes. You stink. And your hair is greasy!

Just like when she was a toddler, I am so excited that it is bedtime and I can have some quiet time.  I plan a long, hot tub soak with Lavender oil added to the bath to help me calm down.  I might even drink a Strawberita for good measure.

This parenting thing...I just have to remember to tie that knot in the end of the rope before I even get there. 

Helpful Quotes and Parenting....

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."  Lao Tzu

OMG!  Thirteen years ago, I had heard from other mothers and my own mother, about the amazing experience of becoming a parent, and I was ecstatic when I found out that I was going to be a mommy.  When it happened to me, the minute my baby girl entered this world, I was amazed at how deeply I loved this little person.  I can't and couldn't think of any better feeling, any better expience than being a mother.  It was everything I had hoped it would be...for the first 8 years.  Then, my sweet daughter began to develop into more than a cute little doll of my direction; she began to have opinions and urges to be more than mini me.  She was becoming her own person!  Holy crap!  They didn't mention this part!  Parenting was challenging up to this point of our relationship because parenting is a challenge, period.  But at some point in the end of the single digit, beginning of double digit years, it became gold metal, Olympic challenging.

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."  Anna Quindlen

So in the past year, I have really taken stock of my parenting techniques.  I had some heavy realizations when we started foster parenting.  And I really worked diligently to be a good parent.  Since our foster parenting experience has ended, I have come to realize that parenting my child has been lacking some things.  I mean, I've always been hard on myself when it came to being a parent.  I have always felt challenged by it (who doesn't, right!?)  I have always been scared of being a bad parent, not making the right decisions, of screwing up my kid.  I have always felt a lot of guilt for having divorced her father and taking away the advantage of a mother and father in the same household to parent her... Like I said, I have been pretty hard on myself. 

Parenting is hard and I can't seem to find the instruction manual that was supposed to come with the new baby.  (Can I borrow someone's?)  I've made mistakes.  I've yelled when I shouldn't, I've cursed when I shouldn't, I've lacked patience.  I've made threats and not followed through.  I've let her dramatic tears and "I hate you!" change my mind on punishment.  I have given in to whining.  I have made some not so great parenting choices. 

"Just because you've made mistakes doesn't mean your mistakes get to make you.  Take notice of your inner critic, forgive yourself and move on."  Robert Tewi

And I have punished myself for not being perfect, for making mistakes, for not knowing from the get go how to be a perfect parent.  What?!!?  I didn't know how to be a perfect parent from the start?!?  I'm kind of a perfectionist (and a little unrealistic).

"Don't be too hard on yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to do that for you.  Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do.  Even mistakes mean you're trying."  Susan Gale

I got a little better at letting that critic go after doing a course of life coaching with a coach, Wendy, at my work.  I miss Wendy's down to earth clarity and direction!  Anyway, she taught me that these HUGE goals of "being a good parent" are so huge and way too general.  How can you judge being "a good parent"?  And the measuring stick that we use, is probably a bit unrealistic.  What I learned from Wendy was to make attainable goals for life, not just parenting.  Stop setting myself up for failure by making these crazy ass, unrealistic, widely general goals.  "I want to be a good parent..." Duh.  Who doesn't want to be a good parent?  How about something real.  "I want to be more patient when the kiddo is being dramatic."  Ah!  Attainable goal! Check!  "I want to follow through with discipline after one warning."  See....attainable goal!

"The best way to get started is to get started.  Life rewards actions...not reaction.  Wait for nothing.  Attack life."  Dave Kekich

I learned this other really cool trick from Wendy.  I mean, I knew about this concept, but she showed me how important is was to incorporate into my life.  And, it really helps when I screw up.  For me, I say, "Every day is a new day!"  Tomorrow is a chance to try again, to start over.  Not really a new concept, just new to my dysfunctional brain.  It really helped me to learn how to stop beating myself up for making mistakes and to try, try again.  I think there's some Thomas the Train or Dora the Explorer episode out there about this. 

This was kind of key for the perfectionist in me.  And a hard concept to really put into action.  (I find it hard to forgive myself for making mistakes.)  For parenting, it has been especially helpful.  What's even more helpful is the AWESOME husband that I have.  He's very wise and helps me to make better decisions and follow through (but that's another blog entry...)!

"Every moment of your life is a chance to get it right.  Any moment you've been living in, you could turn it on like a light."  Third Eye Blind Lyrics

When I feel like I'm making not such fantastic decisions, I remind myself that the next moment is an opportunity to try again and get it right.  I can take responsibility for my mistakes and try again.  It's AMAZING what an apology can do.  When I'm not up to par, I take a breath and give myself permission to try again.  I don't punish myself (for too long).

"Change might not be fast and it isn't always easy.  But with time and effort, almost any habit can be reshaped."  Charles Duhigg

I'm trying.  That's all I can do is try.  I make mistakes and I see the error of my way and I try again.  Every moment that I am fortunate to gain clarity in my actions is an opportunity to do things better, to make better decisions, to behave better, to be a better person.

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."  Thomas Jefferson

And then there is this quote.  Because parenting is difficult, challenging and makes you want to pull out your hair.  It makes your hair turn gray, wine taste better and chocolate a hidden treat.  It's tough.  And many times, more often these days than not, your kid hates you, doesn't like your style, doesn't appreciate the rules and policies of the home.  I'm reminded that my goal is not to be her friend; my goal is to parent her.  It's in those moments that I am totally at the end of my rope.  And I guess I'm going to have to follow Mr. Jeffereson's suggestion and tie a knot in that rope and hang on.  It will be quite a ride.

Surviving Middle School

My one and only offspring has now entered the next chapter of her life, Middle School!  I've been kind of dredding this transition.  I've worked myself into a tizzy about how this is going to play out.  I'm imagining that our lives are going to turn upside down.  I'm imagining that my usually sweet, generally compliant, wildly opinionated daughter will turn into a foaming at the mouth, sourly infected zombie teen who I no longer recognize.  I guess I thought this transformation would occur the minute she walked through the doors of her new school like a virulent infection.  Tomorrow is day three of middle school and infection doesn't seem to have set in....yet.  Perhaps I'm just being impatient and hopeful.  I may wake up in a month to a rotten mouthed, chore allergic, noncompliant seventh grader.

I sound so negative!  I'm not really all that negative, generally.  But, parenting has become an interesting new challenge the older she gets.  I've learned a lot lately about the mistakes that I've made in my parenting regimen.  Some of those mistakes are haunting me, some I'm trying to overturn.  Looking back, I would have changed a few things.  Going forward, I'm changing some other things.  And, well, let's be honest, kids don't necessarily like it when parents make parenting and disciplinary changes.  Especially when those changes don't translate into getting their way more. 

Anyway, middle school has started and we're surviving so far.  Two days down, uh.... 178 to go.  Don't worry, I'm not dellusional enough to believe that this really is just the beginning of years of new challenges, not just a school year.  Let's start with one day at a time, shall we?

Internet Horror Stories

I watched a freaking scary movie last night with my hubby.  We were looking for some viewing entertainment and came across this gem (sarcasm).  Sounded interesting, not many other options, the subject matter potentially hitting close to home, a sexy leading man for my viewing pleasure (Clive Owen), we select the movie, Trust.

The jist of the story is this:  recently turned 14 year old receives computer from parents for her birthday (seemingly innocuous), goes online to chat room and makes friends with a "sixteen year old fellow volleyball player from California".  Come to find out, the 16 year old is, in fact, a 35 year old Physics teacher! (Ackkkkk!)  Of course, young and naive 14 year old doesn't realize this until she is MEETING him at the mall (DANGER!) for the first time!  Creeper alert!!

As you can well guess, Creeper continues his smooth talk and flattering compliments (Creep!), leading said naive girl to his hotel room where he assaults her.  (Pardon me while I purge...)   Said 14 year old tells her well meaning best friend who tells the principal of what she heard (Good job, best friend!!) and girl becomes crime victim.  Dad and mom are destroyed by the news (of course), FBI becomes involved, Dad becomes obsessed with vengeance (who wouldn't), makes several stupid decisions and 14 year old tearfully defends Creeper because they are "in love" (I had a brief seizure at this revelation.)

Of course, the story progresses through the family in crisis, the girls' final acknowledgement of the Creeper as a Creeper (sigh of relief) and the dad becoming less obsessed with the Creeper and becoming more concerned with loving and caring for his victimized daughter ('bout time.)

Spoiler Alert:  The last scene of the movie shows the Creeper with HIS family at a carnival, all happy and smiling, being introduced by one of his students to the student's parents!! (OMG!!)

Not just a disturbing story for the average person; a horror story for any parent with a preteen/teenage daughter or son, for that matter.  I just kept seeing my sweet, naive 10 year old, chatting online, oblivious to the dangers, being sucked in by some crazy online predator.  During the course of the movie, my plan evolved: my daughter's phone privileges where revoked indefinitely, then I promised to sit beside her as she plays innocently on her little Poptropica website, then I pledged to NEVER buy her a computer of her own, finally, with the complete loss of sanity, I banned her to her locked and padded room until the ripe age of 25 years.  Of course, my realistic, down to earth hubby just nodded in agreement to my rantings.

Now that I've slept on the topic, I probably won't initiate the full SHELTER CHILD NOW! plan, and I have come to realize the real worth of the movie.  It was an eye opener about what really does happen on the internet, in the real world.  It's an eye opener to how parents can be as naive as their children when they don't look at the big picture.  I felt sad and despondent when I realize that I won't be able to cut my daughter off from all of the potential dangers of the internet, or the world, for that matter.  And I am doing her a disservice by not educating her and an even bigger mistake by thinking that making huge limits on her life will protect her (likely only driving her INTO danger with severe strictness.)  Further stressing me, I realized that, in fact, I am her first defense from foes such as these, with my love and support and nurturing of her self worth and self esteem.  I am her first defense against naivete by helping her realize that there are real dangers out there and how she can protect herself from them.  I am her first defense by helping her to look to her immediate, surrounding family as her support.  And ultimately, I am her first defense by providing appropriate boundaries and rules as she explores the world outside our home.

Pretty scary business, if you ask me.  It's sobering for me to acknowledge that I have such an impact on my daughter.  I know this cognitively but I experienced a huge emotional reminder when I watched that movie last night.  And, as the counselor in the movie said, we don't have control over what happens to ourselves and our loved ones.  We can only be there, love them, when they do fall down.