"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao Tzu
OMG! Thirteen years ago, I had heard from other mothers and my own mother, about the amazing experience of becoming a parent, and I was ecstatic when I found out that I was going to be a mommy. When it happened to me, the minute my baby girl entered this world, I was amazed at how deeply I loved this little person. I can't and couldn't think of any better feeling, any better expience than being a mother. It was everything I had hoped it would be...for the first 8 years. Then, my sweet daughter began to develop into more than a cute little doll of my direction; she began to have opinions and urges to be more than mini me. She was becoming her own person! Holy crap! They didn't mention this part! Parenting was challenging up to this point of our relationship because parenting is a challenge, period. But at some point in the end of the single digit, beginning of double digit years, it became gold metal, Olympic challenging.
"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." Anna Quindlen
So in the past year, I have really taken stock of my parenting techniques. I had some heavy realizations when we started foster parenting. And I really worked diligently to be a good parent. Since our foster parenting experience has ended, I have come to realize that parenting my child has been lacking some things. I mean, I've always been hard on myself when it came to being a parent. I have always felt challenged by it (who doesn't, right!?) I have always been scared of being a bad parent, not making the right decisions, of screwing up my kid. I have always felt a lot of guilt for having divorced her father and taking away the advantage of a mother and father in the same household to parent her... Like I said, I have been pretty hard on myself.
Parenting is hard and I can't seem to find the instruction manual that was supposed to come with the new baby. (Can I borrow someone's?) I've made mistakes. I've yelled when I shouldn't, I've cursed when I shouldn't, I've lacked patience. I've made threats and not followed through. I've let her dramatic tears and "I hate you!" change my mind on punishment. I have given in to whining. I have made some not so great parenting choices.
"Just because you've made mistakes doesn't mean your mistakes get to make you. Take notice of your inner critic, forgive yourself and move on." Robert Tewi
And I have punished myself for not being perfect, for making mistakes, for not knowing from the get go how to be a perfect parent. What?!!? I didn't know how to be a perfect parent from the start?!? I'm kind of a perfectionist (and a little unrealistic).
"Don't be too hard on yourself. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you. Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do. Even mistakes mean you're trying." Susan Gale
I got a little better at letting that critic go after doing a course of life coaching with a coach, Wendy, at my work. I miss Wendy's down to earth clarity and direction! Anyway, she taught me that these HUGE goals of "being a good parent" are so huge and way too general. How can you judge being "a good parent"? And the measuring stick that we use, is probably a bit unrealistic. What I learned from Wendy was to make attainable goals for life, not just parenting. Stop setting myself up for failure by making these crazy ass, unrealistic, widely general goals. "I want to be a good parent..." Duh. Who doesn't want to be a good parent? How about something real. "I want to be more patient when the kiddo is being dramatic." Ah! Attainable goal! Check! "I want to follow through with discipline after one warning." See....attainable goal!
"The best way to get started is to get started. Life rewards actions...not reaction. Wait for nothing. Attack life." Dave Kekich
I learned this other really cool trick from Wendy. I mean, I knew about this concept, but she showed me how important is was to incorporate into my life. And, it really helps when I screw up. For me, I say, "Every day is a new day!" Tomorrow is a chance to try again, to start over. Not really a new concept, just new to my dysfunctional brain. It really helped me to learn how to stop beating myself up for making mistakes and to try, try again. I think there's some Thomas the Train or Dora the Explorer episode out there about this.
This was kind of key for the perfectionist in me. And a hard concept to really put into action. (I find it hard to forgive myself for making mistakes.) For parenting, it has been especially helpful. What's even more helpful is the AWESOME husband that I have. He's very wise and helps me to make better decisions and follow through (but that's another blog entry...)!
"Every moment of your life is a chance to get it right. Any moment you've been living in, you could turn it on like a light." Third Eye Blind Lyrics
When I feel like I'm making not such fantastic decisions, I remind myself that the next moment is an opportunity to try again and get it right. I can take responsibility for my mistakes and try again. It's AMAZING what an apology can do. When I'm not up to par, I take a breath and give myself permission to try again. I don't punish myself (for too long).
"Change might not be fast and it isn't always easy. But with time and effort, almost any habit can be reshaped." Charles Duhigg
I'm trying. That's all I can do is try. I make mistakes and I see the error of my way and I try again. Every moment that I am fortunate to gain clarity in my actions is an opportunity to do things better, to make better decisions, to behave better, to be a better person.
"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on." Thomas Jefferson
And then there is this quote. Because parenting is difficult, challenging and makes you want to pull out your hair. It makes your hair turn gray, wine taste better and chocolate a hidden treat. It's tough. And many times, more often these days than not, your kid hates you, doesn't like your style, doesn't appreciate the rules and policies of the home. I'm reminded that my goal is not to be her friend; my goal is to parent her. It's in those moments that I am totally at the end of my rope. And I guess I'm going to have to follow Mr. Jeffereson's suggestion and tie a knot in that rope and hang on. It will be quite a ride.
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