Quotes continued...

Well, I don't really have any other quotes to share right now.  I believe any quotes that I have in mind will be linked with f bombs and profanity most appropriate for southern hemisphere sea ports and brothels.  The quote that I conveyed to my husband was this one from Thomas Jefferson, "When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."  Tonight, I am feeling this one, all the way.   Swinging desperately, avoiding the moment that I want to scream.

I've been trying to practice this "good" parenting stuff all day!  Damn, it takes the energy right out of you!  I feel like I ran a marathon while carrying a small Norwegen family on my back, cross stitching the words to America the Beautiful in leather.  I'm exhausted!!  WTF.  In my defense, I haven't lost my cool completely AND I followed through with instructions and expectations.  Damn skippy!!  She was tired and had fallen and scrapped her hand and didn't want to fold a basket of HER laundry AND take a shower.  And never mind that she never knows when bed time is but tonight points out at 9:34, "it's after my bedtime, do you still want me to fold this laundry AND take a shower?"  Yes. You stink. And your hair is greasy!

Just like when she was a toddler, I am so excited that it is bedtime and I can have some quiet time.  I plan a long, hot tub soak with Lavender oil added to the bath to help me calm down.  I might even drink a Strawberita for good measure.

This parenting thing...I just have to remember to tie that knot in the end of the rope before I even get there. 

Helpful Quotes and Parenting....

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."  Lao Tzu

OMG!  Thirteen years ago, I had heard from other mothers and my own mother, about the amazing experience of becoming a parent, and I was ecstatic when I found out that I was going to be a mommy.  When it happened to me, the minute my baby girl entered this world, I was amazed at how deeply I loved this little person.  I can't and couldn't think of any better feeling, any better expience than being a mother.  It was everything I had hoped it would be...for the first 8 years.  Then, my sweet daughter began to develop into more than a cute little doll of my direction; she began to have opinions and urges to be more than mini me.  She was becoming her own person!  Holy crap!  They didn't mention this part!  Parenting was challenging up to this point of our relationship because parenting is a challenge, period.  But at some point in the end of the single digit, beginning of double digit years, it became gold metal, Olympic challenging.

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."  Anna Quindlen

So in the past year, I have really taken stock of my parenting techniques.  I had some heavy realizations when we started foster parenting.  And I really worked diligently to be a good parent.  Since our foster parenting experience has ended, I have come to realize that parenting my child has been lacking some things.  I mean, I've always been hard on myself when it came to being a parent.  I have always felt challenged by it (who doesn't, right!?)  I have always been scared of being a bad parent, not making the right decisions, of screwing up my kid.  I have always felt a lot of guilt for having divorced her father and taking away the advantage of a mother and father in the same household to parent her... Like I said, I have been pretty hard on myself. 

Parenting is hard and I can't seem to find the instruction manual that was supposed to come with the new baby.  (Can I borrow someone's?)  I've made mistakes.  I've yelled when I shouldn't, I've cursed when I shouldn't, I've lacked patience.  I've made threats and not followed through.  I've let her dramatic tears and "I hate you!" change my mind on punishment.  I have given in to whining.  I have made some not so great parenting choices. 

"Just because you've made mistakes doesn't mean your mistakes get to make you.  Take notice of your inner critic, forgive yourself and move on."  Robert Tewi

And I have punished myself for not being perfect, for making mistakes, for not knowing from the get go how to be a perfect parent.  What?!!?  I didn't know how to be a perfect parent from the start?!?  I'm kind of a perfectionist (and a little unrealistic).

"Don't be too hard on yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to do that for you.  Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do.  Even mistakes mean you're trying."  Susan Gale

I got a little better at letting that critic go after doing a course of life coaching with a coach, Wendy, at my work.  I miss Wendy's down to earth clarity and direction!  Anyway, she taught me that these HUGE goals of "being a good parent" are so huge and way too general.  How can you judge being "a good parent"?  And the measuring stick that we use, is probably a bit unrealistic.  What I learned from Wendy was to make attainable goals for life, not just parenting.  Stop setting myself up for failure by making these crazy ass, unrealistic, widely general goals.  "I want to be a good parent..." Duh.  Who doesn't want to be a good parent?  How about something real.  "I want to be more patient when the kiddo is being dramatic."  Ah!  Attainable goal! Check!  "I want to follow through with discipline after one warning."  See....attainable goal!

"The best way to get started is to get started.  Life rewards actions...not reaction.  Wait for nothing.  Attack life."  Dave Kekich

I learned this other really cool trick from Wendy.  I mean, I knew about this concept, but she showed me how important is was to incorporate into my life.  And, it really helps when I screw up.  For me, I say, "Every day is a new day!"  Tomorrow is a chance to try again, to start over.  Not really a new concept, just new to my dysfunctional brain.  It really helped me to learn how to stop beating myself up for making mistakes and to try, try again.  I think there's some Thomas the Train or Dora the Explorer episode out there about this. 

This was kind of key for the perfectionist in me.  And a hard concept to really put into action.  (I find it hard to forgive myself for making mistakes.)  For parenting, it has been especially helpful.  What's even more helpful is the AWESOME husband that I have.  He's very wise and helps me to make better decisions and follow through (but that's another blog entry...)!

"Every moment of your life is a chance to get it right.  Any moment you've been living in, you could turn it on like a light."  Third Eye Blind Lyrics

When I feel like I'm making not such fantastic decisions, I remind myself that the next moment is an opportunity to try again and get it right.  I can take responsibility for my mistakes and try again.  It's AMAZING what an apology can do.  When I'm not up to par, I take a breath and give myself permission to try again.  I don't punish myself (for too long).

"Change might not be fast and it isn't always easy.  But with time and effort, almost any habit can be reshaped."  Charles Duhigg

I'm trying.  That's all I can do is try.  I make mistakes and I see the error of my way and I try again.  Every moment that I am fortunate to gain clarity in my actions is an opportunity to do things better, to make better decisions, to behave better, to be a better person.

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."  Thomas Jefferson

And then there is this quote.  Because parenting is difficult, challenging and makes you want to pull out your hair.  It makes your hair turn gray, wine taste better and chocolate a hidden treat.  It's tough.  And many times, more often these days than not, your kid hates you, doesn't like your style, doesn't appreciate the rules and policies of the home.  I'm reminded that my goal is not to be her friend; my goal is to parent her.  It's in those moments that I am totally at the end of my rope.  And I guess I'm going to have to follow Mr. Jeffereson's suggestion and tie a knot in that rope and hang on.  It will be quite a ride.

Surviving Middle School

My one and only offspring has now entered the next chapter of her life, Middle School!  I've been kind of dredding this transition.  I've worked myself into a tizzy about how this is going to play out.  I'm imagining that our lives are going to turn upside down.  I'm imagining that my usually sweet, generally compliant, wildly opinionated daughter will turn into a foaming at the mouth, sourly infected zombie teen who I no longer recognize.  I guess I thought this transformation would occur the minute she walked through the doors of her new school like a virulent infection.  Tomorrow is day three of middle school and infection doesn't seem to have set in....yet.  Perhaps I'm just being impatient and hopeful.  I may wake up in a month to a rotten mouthed, chore allergic, noncompliant seventh grader.

I sound so negative!  I'm not really all that negative, generally.  But, parenting has become an interesting new challenge the older she gets.  I've learned a lot lately about the mistakes that I've made in my parenting regimen.  Some of those mistakes are haunting me, some I'm trying to overturn.  Looking back, I would have changed a few things.  Going forward, I'm changing some other things.  And, well, let's be honest, kids don't necessarily like it when parents make parenting and disciplinary changes.  Especially when those changes don't translate into getting their way more. 

Anyway, middle school has started and we're surviving so far.  Two days down, uh.... 178 to go.  Don't worry, I'm not dellusional enough to believe that this really is just the beginning of years of new challenges, not just a school year.  Let's start with one day at a time, shall we?

Garage sales

Garage sales are a true American pasttime.  Some people, like my hubs, spend excessive amounts of time watching a borderline baseball team skim by, while others spend countless hours doing "crafts" and zoo trips with their cute little kids.  Blah! Spending time with kids in appropriate learning and stimulating environments! BAh!  Not for me!

Early on, I introduced my kid to the joys and pleasures of garage sales.  Poking around peoples belongings, touching crap that is dirty and used, not knowing where it's been.  Looking at old, unpopular, water stained prints in frames, piles of stuffed animals, mismatched dishes.  Spending so much time, hunkered over boxes of endless books about home management, Algebra text from 1986, and books on discovering peace and religion. 

It's kind of the bonding time for me and my mom.  She loves garage sales.  And boy, does she believe that she is the garage sale expert to beat all experts.  (And who aspires to be an expert in garage sales?)  Time and time again, we've driven by a sale, stopped and perused the wares.  And time and time again, we get back in the car and my mom will comment, "Boy they sure priced their stuff high?  They need me to show them how to price their stuff to get rid of it!"  Sometimes she's just point blank, "They had a bunch of crap out there!" 

She has producing a garage sale down to a fine art and believes in presentation and layout for efficent and cost effective sales.  It's an Olympic event getting ready for a garage sale with her!  We're always up until 2 or 3 in the morning getting set up and laying things out.  One of her many pet peeves:  take things of the boxes and spread them out on tables.  Another pet peeve:  take clothes out of the plastic bins and stop making me bend over a box and dig.  She says, "I won't do it! I just won't stand over a box and dig through clothes or anything else!"  "They should put those books on a table that is waist high so people can look at them. I bet they'd sell more that way.  I know I'd look at them. I'm not going to bend over a box of books.  I just can't!" 

Certainly, reasonable observations.  I told you she is an expert.  Another of her pet peeves: endless piles of clothes.  She won't stop at a garage sale that has a lot of clothes.  Maybe she's a snob like that or maybe she's got the right idea.  Who wants to buy clothes that another person has worn?  Have you seen the clothes people put out?  You CAN throw some things away, you know.  Those faded Levi's with holes in the knees....really, you want $2.00 for them?  That shirt has a stain on the chest?  If you won't wear that, why would anyone else?  Pitch it!  Use it as a cleaning rag!    My biggest pet peeve at garage sales:  underware!  Yep, bras and underware thoroughly gross  me out!  WTF!  Who is going to buy used underware, even if it is clean!  Hell NO!  And used bras?  I just threw up a little in my mouth!  (Interestingly, my mom has had grand success at selling bras and underware at her garage sales.  Puke!)

I really love those sales with the FREE boxes.  My kid loves those too.  She doesn't have to beg me for a quarter and it is usually a McDonald's Happy Meal toy or a broken piece of jewelry.  I'm a digger.  I like to pilfer through boxes looking for a little nugget of interest.  I'm the kind of person who likes going through the junk drawer!  You just never know what you are going to find!  I think the FREE box also attracts people.  It keeps the noisy kids busy while you peruse the wares.  I'm a fan.  On the other hand, I despise people who sell items that they got for free!  We visited this garage sale once, of a former flight attendant.  She had a huge plastic container of hotel shampoos, conditioners and lotions.  Makes sense, she's a flight attendant.  But she was selling these little treasures for, like, 2 for a dollar.  A bit steep considering they were free from the hotel and she didn't even pay for the hotel stay in the first place!  WTF!  We all know that the quality of the shampoo and lotions are not high end.  They're packaged to appear to be top quality, upscale.  One dollup of lotion water tells you otherwise!  And what sucker falls for that shit?  Me! I bought like six bottles of the little gems.  Loser.

All of this garage sale talk stems from my bright inclination to have a garage sale.  I looked at the growing pile of cast away clothes of my daughters and surmised that I could make a few bucks instead of just taking them to good will like I usually do.  Brilliant.  I went about folding and sorting and strengthened my resolve to have a garage sale.  But I promised myself that I would have a cheap sale, get rid of this shit and not be so arrogant in pricing the stuff. A quarter a piece.  Better yet, put as much as you can in a plastic bag for $5.00.  That'll get rid of this stuff and make me a little change.  I haven't told my hubs about my plans yet.  He'll freak.  One: it'll have to be on a weekend that we normally go to lake.  I work the opposite weekend.  Two: it means he'll have to carry shit up from the basement.  Three:  why can't we just take it to good will or put it on the curb. Someone will pick it up.   He's right, people will pick up anything from the curb.  That's another blog entry.

Well, I've enlisted the neighbor in this garage sale adventure.  I'll make more solid plans and THEN break it to the hubs.  He'll get over it.  Wish me luck and I'll let you know when the sale is.  Maybe you can stop by.

Back to blogging....

So, I just finished reading this book written by a blogger named Jen. How appropriate.  Anyway, her blog (which I haven't read yet) is PeopleIWantToPunchInTheFace.com.  Her book was about her experience with Christmas.  I really liked it and got through it pretty quickly, an easy read.  She's witty and snarky and says it like it is.  I aspire to be like that.  My husband thinks I say things like they are, right out, straight from my brain.  What he really doesn't get is that I am saying on a small portion of what I really think.  And, my stupid sense of justice and fairness keeps me from saying things that might hurt other people's feelings.  And, I happen to be one of those people who WILL get into trouble for saying what I think.  I am just lucky that way.  Not to mention, I care what people think, which is a big barrier to saying whatever you think and feel.  So, it's not one of my strong points.  I'm trying to work on my bitchy, I don't give a shit attitude so that I can write funnier shit.  It's a work in progress.  If you ask my ex, he'll tell you that I have this bitch stuff down.  If you ask me, I haven't nearly shared my true feelings with him or with most people.  The irony of preception.

I wanna be a writer...

So, I'm bored out of my ever loving mind tonight at work.  This is the third night of sheer boredom and I have looked at nearly everything I can think of on the internet; that's work appropriate, that is.  I've been through Pinterest about 56 times and I'm over Facebook.  Tonight, I came across a freaking hilarious blog.  Some funny stuff.  And as I read that blog, I realize two of my biggest goals in life.  Two goals that I haven't achieved (....not sure I ever will.)

Goal one.  Be a writer.  I mean, I kind of already am a writer.  In my own mind.  I've been keeping a journal since I was a teenager.  (I wish I still had some of those journals!  They would have been a hoot to read!)  I started doing a little blogging, erratically, that is.  I actually have two blogs.  This one, a more general themed blog and one titled Life is a Journey Every Day.  That one is more focused on my weight challenges and my sleeve gastrectomy journey.  I digress.  Anyway, I blog on occasion but not very consistently.  I kind of get defeated when I don't reach Goal two with my blog.

Goal two....I want to be a funny writer.  You know, someone who writes these witty, interesting blogs that get people coming back to and chuckling when they read.  Sometimes, I write something funny.  But it's really not my strong suit, even if I really WANT to be funny.  I try so hard (probably part of the problem.)  I'm just not genetically engineered to be as humorous as I would like. *sigh*

So, here I am working on the ever present goals of life.... writing funny things... fail.

Burnin' the Candle at Both Ends...

A funny little phrase came to mind tonight (at 1:09 am as I sit in front of the computer writing this blog with a to do list one mile long, exactly.  I measured.)  I digress... "Burning the candle at both ends."  Then a couple of others came to mind: "my plate is full", "burning the midnight oil" and "rat race".  Like so many other people, I'm so busy with so many things that I need to accomplish.  I feel like I am the epitome of the rat race and full plate and burning the candle at both ends.  And being the infinite nerd that I am, I had to look those idioms up and explore their meanings and how they apply to me.  I'm thinking, those were different times when these phrase came to be coined.  And certainly, their meaning was far different than it would be now.  And by all means, the people of those times wouldn't have a clue about the pressures that time constraints have on human beings now.  Reeaallllly......

I like that their origins, at least the bilateral candle burning and the midnight oil reference come from earlier days of yore.  It's interesting for me to think that there was enough going on in those days that one needed to be up past dark burning the midnight oil .... doing what exactly?  I'm sure after working in the fields all day or keeping up with the multitude of daily chores in those days of yore, a little quiet time away from the 14 screaming kids was appreciated.  But what exactly did they find so necessary to accomplish so late (or early for those non night folks) that they couldn't get done during the light of day?  I couldn't really wrap my mind around it.  Recently, during a storm, a transformer in our backyard burned out and left us without power at around 10:00pm.  We were completely bored even with the candles burning and the flashlights.  My phone was nearly out of battery and the tablet was dead and I honestly didn't know what to do with myself.   We watched the transformer burn for awhile then went to bed.  I can't imagine I would want to accomplish anything by candle light....

Now, I'm not saying that families in the 1830's weren't busy and that burning the midnight oil wasn't necessary.  I'm certain there was a lot to do during the day. I can't imagine having to plan my families food consumption starting in early spring to make it through the winter.  To know and plan for canning food in huge quantities, to store away potatoes and preserved meat, enough to sustain a winter!  That makes me sweat just thinking about it.  Then there was making of the clothes and hand washing of the clothes in the wash bin and hanging of the clothes out to dry....  How about breakfast at dawn before the menfolk went out to the fields.  And not just a cup of yogurt and a slice of toast breakfast.  We're talking homemade biscuits, fresh eggs from the chicken coop, ham and grits, churned butter and fresh milk from Bossy out back.  The kind of breakfast that makes my arteries clog even with Crestor and Zetia on board.  Boy, and after breakfast, there wasn't any putting those breakfast dishes in the dishwasher... it was bringing in the water from the pump house, rain or shine, snow and wind.  Bringing it to boil on the stove.... about the time dishes were done, I'll bet it was freaking time to start lunch!  Then, there was the garden to tend to, gotta have food to eat....  Cows to milk, eggs to collect, animals to feed....  And then when the crops were ready, they had to be harvested and stored, canned and cut.... Sent to town to be sold or traded.  And somewhere in there, there had to be schooling for the children, at least some schooling, for a few...... and babies continued to get made, even after all that hard work...... HOLY CRAP!  There was a lot to get done in a day back then!!

Okay, so I am completely worn out from even considering what a family of yore had to accomplish in a day's time and perhaps, if they weren't completely exhausted, walking dead, they would use the less useful night time to accomplish other things like reading or writing letters or mending socks and making quilts by candle light or the midnight oil.  So, it's a bit naive to think that the time frame that those idioms originate aren't nearly as busy and stressful as our time.  As a matter of fact, it's just plain egotistical to think that.

The truth is, the rat race and the mile long To Do List has been a part of the human condition for hundreds of years.  Times have certainly changed.  Unemployment is up, people struggle every day to make ends meet.  We are living uncertain times not sure if there will be enough money to cover the cost of health insurance or the rising cost of gas.  We're faced with shrinking education budgets for our children....  we're running our kids to activities every day, softball practice, gymnastics, working a full time job.... we're burning the midnight oil writing stupid blogs and getting caught up on Rachel Maddow.  We're reading the Hunger Games Series and watching DVR'd runs of House and Grey's Anatomy because there "just aren't enough hours in the day."

And we complain.  We complain about all that we have to get done and so little time we have to get it done. I feel a bit selfish and egotistical after thinking more deeply about the time frame that the origins of those phrases come from.  I think it is an eye opening minute to think about the kind of rat race we run these days compared to rat race that humans have ran.

I think I'll appreciate Target and Price Chopper a little more and my electric washer and dryer along with the  dish washer.  I will stop and remember that the 45 minutes in my day to run by the store to pick up some socks and summer clothes for my kiddo is far better than sewing those clothes and cleaning them in a wash basin full of luke warm water I've carried in by hand.  I'll appreciate that the calendar is full of meetings and appointments and the kiddo's activities but that I don't have to work my fingers to the bone just to make sure my family has food and stress out that the crops and garden succeed this season.